If I kept waiting to start this blog, I would never start this blog. The problem is, I’m starting in the middle of things, but I can’t let that hold me back anymore. I. AM. STARTING. THIS. BLOG. RIGHT. NOW.

It’s the “do it now” attitude that got me just over 9 weeks into my “personal transformation journey” thus far. (Note to self: That sounds ridiculous. I will think of something better soon. Possibly “Journey into Badassery”. Must consider.)

So, yeah, here’s the deal: I’m fat. I mean, for now. And you might want to know what exactly I am in the middle of, I imagine. Clean eating and working my ass off. Literally.

So far I’m down about 18lbs, give or take, but I’m so much stronger than I was 9 weeks ago. I didn’t just start working out, but I did just start getting my shit together with my food, and that’s what is different this time; the combination of those 2 things for the long haul. Because I love food and am one of those people that lives to eat. But here I am, taking responsibility and owning my choices. Like I said, getting my shit together.

You know the old expression, “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” Well, I’ve fallen about a gazillion times. This is me, getting up again for the gazillion and one-th time.

My story isn’t so unlike lots of other women’s. I’ve always struggled with food, and have been both anorexic and bulimic throughout my teen years and 20’s. I got pregnant with my first child in 2001, and then the pendulum swung waaaaaaay in the opposite direction. I started eating and didn’t stop.

During my pregnancy, I gained over seventy pounds. My husband was politely surprised. My doctor was chagrined. My son was born. And I was fat. YAAAAY! Oh, wait…

Yes, I lost some of the weight. But then I gained it back and then some. Then lost a little bit. Then had my daughter and gained even more. Lost about 30, gained back 20. And on, and on, and on. Raise your hand if you’ve been there. If you are there. If you’ve tried every ridiculous fad diet because it sounded like a quick and easy fix (even though your good sense told you it was crap) and gave any crazy exercise plan a halfhearted shot, only to forget about it a month later because it was a load of nonsense. (*waves back* Hi there! It’s great to meet you!)

Two years ago, I started working out with an amazing, kick ass trainer, Christa Doran of <a href=”http://www.sweatrinserepeat.com”>Tuff Girl Fitness</a> (and I certainly wouldn’t want to forget the equally awesome Mike Doran and Karin Christley–my other trainers! You’ll hear me talk about them a lot. I love them, even when I hate them. Like this morning when I hated Mike because of how hard he pushed me during pull-ups. I needed it, but I hated it at the moment.)

Anyway, I started working out with Christa in spring of 2010. I lost 45 pounds over 5 months of hard workouts and changing my eating habits a bit. Just a bit, though. I was also training for a triathlon at the time. I felt like I was on top of the world when I crossed that finish line! There is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment when you meet a goal you worked hard to reach.

And then I stagnated. I got complacent. Yes, I had completed a triathlon, but then what? A big fat nothing, that’s what. I stopped losing weight even though I was still working out. I was fit and strong, and getting stronger all the time, but I was still fat.

The food. The goddamned food.

So over the last year and a half, I’ve lost and gained the same 15 pounds twice. Really, I’ve just been jerking around, thinking that as long as I’m working out as hard as I do 3+ times a week, I’m pretty healthy and fit and it’s okay.

IT’S NOT OKAY.

My son just celebrated his 10th birthday. And it hit me, I HAVE BEEN FAT FOR 10 YEARS. A decade. Almost a quarter of my life. It hit me hard. I am so sick of being fat. I am so sick of being judged by how I look by people who are not fat, but whose asses I could handily kick in a burpee or deadlift contest. I am so sick of telling myself that eventually I will lose this weight, because it’s bullshit. I am sick of my outside not matching my inside, and I am committed to putting in the sweat and sacrifice over the long haul to make that happen. It’s all within my grasp, and I’m taking it. I am standing up again, and fighting harder than ever.

So that’s what’s going on, and this is me. Committed to not making any more excuses. Committed to being less of a fat girl, and more of a fit girl. Committed to clean and healthy eating, 90% of the time or more, and serious badass workouts at least 4 times a week. Hopefully 5 times a week soon enough.

And now that I’ve started the blog, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. See you at my lunch break tomorrow.