The Comeback Kid

February sucked. First I got the flu and then pneumonia and it lasted pretty much all month. A month of misery, stuck in my house, leaving me depressed and with a serious case of cabin fever. I missed my workouts. I missed spending time with friends and doing fun stuff with my family. I missed properly celebrating my husband’s birthday. I missed my regular life.

Being sedentary and miserable for a month led me to my old habit of using food as a comfort. My nutrition was horrible, and in that month I gained 10 lbs.

When I finally returned to the gym it was not great. I was winded easily and not nearly as strong as I had been. How easy it is to lose strength and gain weight in the space of a month. And of course my unhealthy eating didn’t help.

It took me a good 2-3 weeks of training, easing back in, to even start to feel like myself again. I have been particularly disappointed with my push-ups, which I had previously prided myself on. I was *almost* to my goal of doing 30 consecutive push-ups, and when I came back I could barely do 10 with decent form.

Today was different, though. Push-ups were in the workout and even though I felt like my performance with them was weak, my coach Hillary came over and told me how awesome my push-ups had been looking. She challenged me to add a 10 lb weight on my back and I thought, “No way I can do this. I already have an extra 10 lbs on my body and now she wants to add another 10 lbs?”

But I am not one to back down to a challenge so even though I was facing self-doubt, I let her put that weight on my back.

And I did it.

They were not perfect push ups, but I did it…not just for that round, but for the rest of the workout.

I surprised myself this morning, and I am grateful to Hillary for throwing down the challenge and pushing me further than I thought I could go.

At the end of my training this morning, I decided I was going to work harder than I had been working before I got sick, and get even stronger than I had been before. I just have to dig deeper and commit. I will push myself to do more than I think I am capable of, because I can do hard things.


I will not let this setback hold me back. I will lose that 10 lbs and meet my goals.

Look out, 30 push-ups–I’m coming for you.

Progress report: before and after (so far).

This was me two years ago at my highest weight (with my always-lovely friend Leah)…obviously at an 80s dance party.


And this was me last week at the joyful wedding of my beautiful sister-at-heart, Jenn.


Still have about 20lbs to go but I’m getting there. 96lbs total lost so far.

The Ups and Downs of Losing 90 Pounds

You guys, I have lost 90 pounds, and that is pretty amazing. I am really proud of myself most of the time, but here’s a story of something that happened the other day:

“Something’s wrong with the mirror,” I said.

“Nope,” Drew replied. “That’s really what you look like now.” I remained skeptical. I thought I couldn’t possibly look like this…like someone who is not a fat person.

End of Story.

So I shouldn’t be having thoughts like these in my little story, right? They defy logic. I have objectively lost 90 pounds, and I recognize this, rationally.

The scale tells me so.

The fact that I am going through pants sizes faster than Trump offends people on Twitter tells me so.

The compliments I get all the time tell me so, and much of the time, I believe it.

But sometimes, on occasion, I don’t quite believe it. Even when I look in the mirror and see the progress, I think it’s lying.

You guys, losing weight is hard for me. I mean, you know it’s hard; everyone knows that. It’s easy to gain and hard to lose, especially the older you get. Sticking to a healthy eating and exercise routine is hard.


But losing weight isn’t just hard for those reasons. I mean losing weight is hard for my brain to accept. Sometimes my brain just can’t seem to catch up with my body and be excited about it all the time.

Here’s the thing…for nearly 15 years I have considered myself a fat person. At my heaviest (last December), I’m pretty sure anyone would have considered me a fat person. I believe the medical term is “morbidly obese.”

Like, you’re going to die of a fat-related disease if you don’t get your act together, Nash.

Today when I step on the scale, I see a number I haven’t seen in a very long time. I am wearing a pants size I haven’t worn in a very long time (and they still keep falling down, dammit!)


Many days, I look in the mirror and feel really good about what I see.

I can see my feet when I look down and a year ago, I couldn’t.

I don’t worry if the seat belt is going to fit me on an airplane anymore. Once, it didn’t, and it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.


So, anyway, it’s not like I look in the mirror and still see myself the way I looked last year. I don’t have a warped image of what I look like.

It’s just that when I look in the mirror, sometimes I really can’t believe it’s me. It’s so hard to rectify my perception of myself as a fat person with the person I see in the mirror now.

I wore my fat like armor, and now that most of it has been stripped away, I am out there in the open. It’s a little disconcerting.

When I was bigger, I felt so small. Invisible sometimes, and that was what I wanted at the time.

Now that I’m smaller, I’ve decided not to play small anymore. My personality is starting to shine again and I’m me, REALLY me. Not someone hiding behind a wall of extra weight. My armor is gone and, while sometimes that is confusing to my brain, I know deep down I’m doing it. I’m coming out of that comfort zone and letting myself be awesome again.



Coming out of that comfort zone is a challenge…but there’s so much to be gained from it (even as I continue to lose). Because I am awesome, and I am accomplishing amazing things and I intend to continue.


Oh, and one last thing. You guys, even my bras are too big.



Picture Time!

So just for fun, I thought I’d hit you with a quick photo comparison.

Me, about 4-ish months ago

Me, just this morning












Two disclaimers here:

1. DO NOT make fun of my hair. I wake up at 4:45am to work out, people. Good hair is not required.Come work out with me and we’ll see how pretty YOUR hair looks. (And if you do work out with me this early, your hair is lovely. It always looks much better than mine.)

2. I am pretty much wearing the exact same outfit. Shirts are same brand, style and size, and I’m wearing my fave workout pants in both pics.

Overall, I think this looks like decent progress!

While I am not falling out of my seat in amazement at a remarkable transformation, it’s a pretty damned respectable difference for four months of hard work. And, the good news is, because I am adopting healthy lifestyle habits, the change is slow but PERMANENT.

I like being impermanently fat. And less fat every day.